Halfway through~

In jan, I've this urge to leave my company of 3yrs..in search of new things to learn and accomplish.
In feb, I finally mustered enough courage to leave...without a job.
In mar, I was in search of self fulfilment, and found back volunteering at elderly homes.
In apr, I was lost and in denial that I was lost.
In may, I was still lost. But greatest lost is losing my granny...
In jun, I tried to move on.
In jul, I realise I still miss her.

6months passed since 2012 started.
2years passed since I last blogged.

If my life in this 6mths is a roller coaster, I'm sure it'll be nastier than the rides fm uss.
Friends, colleagues and relatives or even family see the opportunities, the luck, the good of what I've been given. Yet, they without a doubt have no idea what I've been going through.
Leaving a managerial position of a premier industry with a decent salary was a shock to many. Yet, its a nudging feeling I've to explore beyond achievements. Perhaps it is the affinity I share with the elderly. I just like being with them. The 2months volunteer work at various elder homes has given me the most warmth as compared to my family for all the years adding up. Ironically, supposedly it was me giving, yet I realise I'm receiving too.

The moment when one of the old ladies, held onto my hand, clasp her fingers between mine, bring them over to her face, lean on our hands and smile at me almost make me tear...
She was a samsiu woman, in her late 80s, she has short and neat hair. Understands from the nurses, she wasn't very sane and her movements are pretty restricted. Yet, her one gesture melted my heart. For I'll never forget the way she held and smile at me.

In another instance, I was wheeling the elderly back to their respective wards after a game of bingo session when one old man, took my hand and drop a chocolate gold coin onto my palm, telling me I've work hard and that's my tips for wheeling him back.

After about a month or two of volunteer work, my granny fell ill. She was hospitalised. Praise to the arrangement of god, I left my job without another, and so I was able to visit her almost every other day. She was skinny. Yet what hurts me most is to see her arms filled with bruises, bruises from multiple blood test. As usual, I joke and teased her...poking at her for not drinking enough water and eating. With each days and weeks, she looks more frail and skinner. I lost more courage, courage to see her too...I can't bear to go near her without dropping my tears. To see her ribcage so vividly through her clothes, to see her breathing so hard, to see she no longer could look at me and smile without mustering all she could. All I could do was to touch her skin and before I knew, I either have to escape crying or to excuse myself off.
Nearly 1 month passed since she's admitted. My dad told me to brace myself, she might leave us...I was in denial, she told me she'll see me marry, she'll hear my children call her. She told me she'll be around. Yet, things happen so fast I didn't have time to properly bid her goodbye.

When I was in the ambulance with her on our way home from hospital, I naively harbour thoughts of her recovering despite the fact that it was due to her wish to return home. Despite the fact that the arrangement we make is for less than 48hrs. Despite the fact that the nurse have given me a booklet on spending last few days with your loved ones. Despite all these, I selfishly wanted her to be back with us with me.
Still the moment came, and all I manage to do at her bedside was to thank her for cooking me my fave porridge. All I could do was to stroke her hair, and thank her for the porridge...I wanted to whack myself...because I've so much I still want to share with her, to still share our jokes and to tease her when I see her and laugh...

Weeks passed, a month passed, with me telling myself she's now happily with my grandpa and I should let go, which I thought I did...until I saw a picture of her birthday we took last year that it strucked me again, that she's gone. To have to remind myself she's at somewhere better, happier, eating better...

I just have to keep reminding myself that....